Breaking the SILENCE Surrounding Men's Suicide

I first encountered Sam Fender’s music several years ago when I came across the song “Dead Boys,” and was immediately struck by his ability to powerfully communicate one of the biggest challenges in men’s mental health and well-being – the staggering suicide completion rate in men. In almost every country in the world men die from suicide at least twice as often as women, and in some parts of the United States men die from suicide at almost SIX times the rate among women.  In my own country of Canada, 3 out of 4 suicide deaths are among men and suicide rates as the 8th leading cause of death of men in the country.

 “we all tussle with the black dog [Depression} and some are loud and some are silent” - Sam Fender (Dead Boys)

There are multiple reasons for this gender disparity in suicide. As Sam says in the song, “we all tussle with the black dog [Depression] and some are loud and some are silent”, and it is men’s silence in relation to sadness, depression, and despair which likely underpins much of this tragic story. Our socialization as men tells us that we are supposed to be tough, resilient, emotionally restrictive, and fiercely independent, and that to ask for help is weakness. However, the need for emotional and social support, love, affection, and friendship is universally human and essential for health and well-being. By implying that men are without emotions and that they should always be tough and not need support, society creates tragic conditions where men feel they have few options to deal with their distress in a way that aligns with an acceptable performance of masculinity based on these unrealistic criteria. As a result, many men turn to coping strategies that have been positioned as acceptable options for men – these “acceptable” coping strategies tend to align with a hyper-performance of traditional masculinities including anger, aggression, risk-taking, and consumption of intoxicating substances like alcohol and drugs. In the masculinities studies world, these types of behaviors are referred to as “protest masculinities” (Connell, 1995), because they emerge when men feel inadequate as if to say “not only am I a man, but I am more a man than you”. Unfortunately, introducing intoxication into the mix also further places the man at risk for a suicide attempt because they may not be able to think clearly and may have reduced inhibitions to do something risky, dangerous, or deadly. Dealing with emotional distress through anger also opens the door to turning that anger on themselves in the form of suicide, especially since they may be angry at themselves for their perceived failure to be the tough, strong, resilient man that they feel they should be.

 "We close our eyes, numb our pain, nobody could ever explain all the dead boys in our hometown" - Sam Fender

The SILENCE associated with men’s trauma, sadness, and depression also perpetuates the problem of men perceiving they are alone in feeling sad or suicidal, that somehow, they are an unacceptable outlier, and this may further potentiate their feeling of isolation and suicidality 
 

Men’s striving to always be masculine also plays an insidious role in men’s choice of suicide method. Aligned with the idea of “protest masculinities”, men may see their method of suicide as their final performance of masculinity; therefore, men tend to pick more immediately lethal means of suicide, such as firearms, hanging, etc. … Therefore, this also contributes to the higher suicide completion rate among men.

We can turn this trend around by changing the way we talk about masculinity and vulnerability around men, and by normalizing the discussion of emotions and mental health challenges among men and boys, and the fact that boys and men need affection and support as much as women. Here are some things we can do to turn this tragic trend around through our own actions
 

1. DON’T contribute to the message that men and boys should be without emotion, affection, and support.

2. Check-in with the men and boys in your life. A simple question like “how are you doing?”, or a statement like “I am here if you want to talk about anything that is bothering you”, can open the door to a conversation that can change the outcome for someone. Look for changes in behavior or communication, because these may be signs they are having a difficult time. Sadly, because men become very good at presenting the neutral mask of masculinity to the world, with little emotional expression, we cannot always count on an obvious sign of distress as a mark of their psychological state.

3. To open the door to other men feeling safe in being vulnerable with you, be vulnerable with them - share your experiences and feelings. Being vulnerable is strength and is one of the most masculine things you can do. However, because men and boys are unfamiliar with these kinds of conversations, it may feel awkward at first and we will have to meet people where they are.  In my experience, when other men know that you are open to talking about things, they will be more likely to self-disclose to you

4. If a man expresses suicidal feelings or statements, take it seriously. Ask him if he has a plan for suicide and the means to carry it out (If these a present, they are at particularly high risk of following through). Verbally contract with him that he will not do anything before you can connect him with some support. Google your local suicide crisis line number and encourage him to talk to them, take him to a counsellor/therapist, his family doctor, or if no other option the local emergency room or urgent care center. The important thing is that you have interrupted the thought pattern, you have him talking about it, and you have shown him that he is not alone and without options. You do not have to be an expert to make a difference, you just have to show you care, be there for him, and help him get the professional support he needs

Let’s change the culture around the emotional and psychological health of men, by changing the conversation, contributing to establishing new norms, being willing to be vulnerable, and showing the men in our lives that they matter, and we care about them.

If you want to be part of the solution of creating a safe social space for men to share their feelings and support one another, consider joining the Metta Brotherhood https://www.mettaman.com/metta-man-community