Masculinity's Authenticity Problem

How often have you heard the following phrases coming out of parents, or other adults, mouths when interacting with young boys: “Don’t cry, you’re tough”; “Be a big boy”; “Big boys don’t cry”; “Suck it up”; “Shake it off”; “Man up!”; “Be a Man”; “Don’t be a wuss”; “You throw like a girl”; “Be strong”; “Just rub some dirt on it, it will be OK” … The list goes on …

Boys know that if they cry or display any vulnerability that they will often be the recipients of ridicule, that they may be teased, bullied, and possibly socially ostracized. They know that if they are not tough, stoic, physically strong or athletically inclined, they will be viewed as a failure in some people’s eyes.

I was an overweight, bookish, spectacled, geeky kid, with emotions that were close to the surface, and little interest in sports or physicality. As a result, I was the recipient of many such comments during my formative years, sometimes even from the people I loved and admired the most. I still remember the shame and sadness I felt when I heard the uncle that I idolized telling my mother that I was “too soft”.  Although just one of the many comments I heard in my childhood, that particular comment stuck with me to the point that I can still picture where everyone was in the room during that conversation. It hurt.

Because of these messages, boys and men censor their real feelings, and what they share with the world. This prevents many men from living authentically because they do not feel safe expressing how they feel or being who they truly are if it falls outside of acceptable standards of traditional masculinity.

This is a significant men’s health issue because living with authenticity is key to health and well-being in every facet of your life!

Being true to yourself is essential for mental wellness because living life in misalignment with your fundamental beliefs, values, desires, wants, and needs can fuel anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Indeed, being unable to be authentic with yourself and others is inherently traumatic and trauma unaddressed exerts a profound impact on all aspects of your physical, mental, social, and spiritual health.

While this is true for all people and all gender identities, men who strive to achieve an acceptable performance of masculinity are particularly at risk of trauma and emotional dissonance. Traditional masculine constructs ask men to deny their need for emotional and social support, bury their emotions, deny both physical and emotional pain, and strive to live their life independently without the need for support from anyone.

These are messages that young boys receive from an early age from those around them and are reinforced by how other men and boys act around them. These messages are further embedded by media representations of men in movies, on TV, in books, on the Internet, and in advertising images. Research evidence suggests that boys as young as 18 months old are already trying to control their emotions and that by school age many young boys are so good at it that their own parents have a hard time deciphering what they are feeling. Even if boys are not exposed to these messages by their parents, they are still subjected to this harmful messaging at every turn in their wider social interactions.

Worst of all, boys and men start internalizing these messages, sometimes becoming their own biggest bully – a constant stream of negative self-talk from the voice of their shadow inside their head telling them that they are not good enough.

Ron Levant, an American psychologist, who has spent much of his career focused on the mental health and counselling of men, reported that many men in his practice experienced what he called “normative alexithymia”. Alexithymia [A(No), lexi (words), thymia (for feelings)] was traditionally reported in cases of severe trauma, where sufferers essentially suppressed or denied their emotions in order to cope with the trauma that they had experienced. Levant reported that when he asked many of his male clients how they were feeling, they had a hard time expressing this or putting it into words – likely because they had to bury or deny their feelings so much in the past. In other words, the process of being socialized as a man was inherently traumatic and much of this trauma may be attributed to these men being unable to authentically be who they were, express the emotions that they felt, or seek emotional support. If you must censor who you are, what you are feeling, or are unable to seek the emotional or social support that is necessary for all people, especially young children, this is TRAUMATIC.

All people experience emotions, get scared sometimes, are hurt, feel sad, cry, and need a hug or some supportive words. All people want to be seen and accepted for who they are, but too many men (of all ages) feel they cannot be authentic and still fit inside the “man box” that society says they should stay in if they want to be considered valid and valued members of society.

One of the key problems associated with presenting these traditional ideas of masculinity as the standard to which men must aspire is that they are inherently mythical in nature (mythopoetic). Nobody can live up to these ideals of masculinity, and if you really think about it, it is probably not a good idea to try to. However, it also means that most men are walking around feeling like they don’t measure up and that this is even worse for men whose body type, career aspirations, interests, genuine way of being, or sexuality does not fit neatly in the masculinity  “box”.

As someone who researches men’s health, I can say with some certainty, that it is the pursuit of this flawed traditional model of masculinity which is profoundly harming men’s health and the health and well-being of those around them. Denying pain, burying emotions, refusing to ask for help, and denying vulnerability certainly underpin the reasons why men lead shorter lives and die more than women for most of the leading causes of death, and why men complete suicide at two to three times the rate of women in most of the world.

The Way Forward

So how can we prevent this trauma which harms the health and well-being of men, and that of society in general?

First, we must acknowledge that as human beings we all have emotions, and all require emotional support, acceptance, and the secure attachment that comes with that acceptance of who we are as individuals. We must stop sending men the message that their emotions are not to be shared or expressed. We must normalize emotion and the need to attend to emotional health in all people. This will be hard for many people at first because they are not used to seeing the men in their lives express these emotions, but it is essential that when men do express emotions and vulnerability that we support them and never shame them. Being vulnerable is brave and it requires more strength than feigning toughness.

Second, we must strive to eliminate the messaging to boys and men that having emotions, or needing social support or help makes them less of a man. This is not going to be easy, because these gender scripts are embedded in our cultures, our language, and turns of phrase, and are enforced overtly and covertly by both men and women in society. This will not go perfectly, but when we catch ourselves reinforcing some of these messages, we can learn from this, seek to correct ourselves, and should admit that we were wrong to the boys and men who were the recipients of these messages.

Third, we must acknowledge something that is inherently a reality – men and boys come in many different personalities, forms, shapes, and packages. Each boy or man possesses their own strengths and gifts that they bring to the world. We need to celebrate this diversity and recognize that this mosaic of masculine performance is beautiful, and desirable, and makes us stronger as men and as a society. Celebrating each person’s uniqueness lays the groundwork for boys and men to live authentically and in line with who they are and what they need. This will decrease gender-related trauma in men, will improve their physical, mental, social, and spiritual health, and will improve the health of society as a whole.

Fourth, we must create space and a safe environment for the men in our lives to share their emotions and feelings of vulnerability. Men can start asking their friends how they are doing, especially if they think they are having a hard time. We must start role-modeling that it is OK to be vulnerable and acknowledge that we also have hard times when we are nervous scared, or sad.

As a man, I know this is difficult because by being vulnerable, we also open ourselves up to be questioned as men. However, when I have shared my own challenges with depression and anxiety and shared my own feelings with vulnerability, my experience has been that many men almost breathe a sigh of relief to know that they are not the only ones that feel that way. They are relieved that someone else is able to understand them and hear them without judgment. We need to pursue masculine friendships and brotherhood which exist in authenticity, and where our friends feel safe to share their real selves. This is one of the reasons that we have created the Metta Man Community to provide such a space.

Fifth, women also have a big part to play in this reconstruction of acceptable masculinity. I would encourage women to also expand their perception of what acceptable masculinity is, to truly embrace a new definition of strength in men that goes beyond physicality and includes authenticity and occasional vulnerability. Both men and women in society need to engage in a conversation about creating a new broader understanding of masculinities, that is more inclusive, vibrant, and full of possibilities.

Finally, men would benefit from learning to love themselves for who they authentically are, integrating all aspects of themselves (conscious and shadow). and engaging in a performance of masculinity that aligns with their values, beliefs, and unique selves. We must do the hard work of deprogramming ourselves of all the internalized messages of what masculinity is and engage in exercises of self-acceptance – choosing to embrace all the possibilities of what masculinity can be.

Women have been engaged in the exploration of femininity for decades and over four waves of feminism, yet the conversation continues. Men are just beginning to scratch the surface of this conversation, so let’s embrace this as an opportunity that could benefit us all.